A week in the life of Stevie

This appeared in the Otago Daily Times on Friday, August 12. I thought it was quite funny. Some at the ODT apparently didn't like it.

Forget the mighty Tall Blacks, or the price of an All Black jersey. The biggest talking point in New Zealand sport this week has been Steve "Stevie" Williams, a golf caddy with a knack for a sound bite. HAYDEN MEIKLE imagines what a week in the life of Williams could be like.

Monday: Roll out of bed at 10am after a hard night celebrating my victory at Bridgestone. Check out my biceps in the mirror for a couple of minutes while I listen to a motivational tape featuring my own voice chanting "You're the best, Stevie" over and over.
Cornflakes for brekkie and I splutter when I read that some clown has referred to Richie McCaw as New Zealand's greatest sportsman. What about me? What about Stevie? I'm THE GREATEST SPORTSMAN IN THE WORLD.

Tuesday: Change my Wikipedia entry to say I can count 12,885 days of my life that are better than the days I won majors with Tiger.
Go to my nephew's school sports day. He won the 100m and the 200m. I accept the trophy and let the kids give me a standing ovation.
Then it's off to Wal-Mart, where I find a new copy of Rocky. Mine has worn out after being played 217 times this year.

Click photo to enlarge

Thanks for your assistance, Adam ... Steve Williams (left) celebrates with his golfer, Australia's Adam Scott, after victory in the WGC Bridgestone Invitational tournament earlier this week.

Wednesday: It's a very exciting day for me. In fact, it's THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE. My autobiography is being launched. It's called I, Stevie: The Greatest Caddy Who Ever Played and every word is written by me. The only problem is I think the publisher, Ego Books, must have put the wrong launch date out there, because I end up sitting at a table on my own for two hours. Still, gives me plenty of time to visualise winning yet another major this week.
Check my bank account and almost choke. Where are my winnings from Bridgestone? I text the Aussie kid but there's no response. Network must be down.

Thursday: Come on, Stevie! I'm leading the PGA Championship by two shots after the first round. At this rate, this is going to be THE GREATEST FOUR DAYS OF MY LIFE.
Phil Mickelson, that [beep], is tied for second. That second-rate player I made look like a champion for 10 years shot aa 77. Now that's what you call karma, Stevie style.
Relax at the hotel with a six-pack of Red Bull and re-read my autobiography. Give Ted a call. Tell him I can't make it home for the All Blacks' opening World Cup game and present the jerseys like I suggested. Promise him I'll send over a few of my clubs for the boys, and a special pre-game motivational tape.

Friday: You [beeping] [beeps]! Two [beeping] photographers click away while I am putting the driver back in my bag. Don't they know any [beeping] golf [beeping] etiquette? You never click during a caddy's back-in-bag swing! It is THE ANGRIEST I'VE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE. Even smashing their expensive cameras against the nearest tree doesn't cheer me up much.

Saturday: Yeahhhh! Back in the PGA lead after my brilliant decision to go over the bunker on the 17th. Fist-pump, fist-pump, fist-pump, yeeahhhh.
After I sign my scorecard, I jump in my new Hummer and race to the local mall, where my video game - Stevie Williams PGA Tour 2012 - is being launched. I'm on the cover, in classic Stevie fist-pump mode. And the game allows you to be me, the prince of caddies, directing a series of faceless, nameless golfers.

Sunday: Fist-pump, chest-bump, finely-sculpted-pectorals-thump yeeahhh! I've won the PGA Championship by four strokes. This has been THE GREATEST YEAR OF MY LIFE.
[Beep] you, Tiger. [Beep] you, Phil Mickelson. And [beep] all you [beeping] critics who think a caddy should shut the [beep] up.
This is my time! I am Stevie!

Here we go, here we go

This article appeared in the Otago Daily Times on Friday, August 12.

Football season. Again. England's streets have been trashed by rioters this week but hopefully the beautiful game can now take centre stage. Sports editor Hayden Meikle looks into his Premier League crystal ball.

Who will win:
Odds are it will be a team from Manchester. Sadly. City has splashed the cash for two seasons now and won the FA Cup last season. United romped to a record 19th title last season, has rebuilt in key areas, still has Sir Alex Ferguson pulling the strings and will start as the favourite.

The next Fergie:
Luis Andre de Pina Cabral e Villas-Boas. Usually known as Andre Villas-Boas, the new Chelsea gaffer is just 33 years old. Comes from Porto, where he became the youngest manager to win a European title. Has zero experience as a top player. A genius? Or doomed to fail?

King Kenny:
Guide me, o thou great redeemer. To Liverpool fans, Kenny Dalglish can do no wrong.
He's spent his share of dough, mainly on midfielders for some reason, but you can't put a price on his mana.

Worried Wenger:
Arsenal fans are a strange bunch.
They worship the ground Arsene Wenger walks on, scoff at any other club that dares to spend more than $2 million on a player and don't seem to care that they haven't won a trophy in six years.

'Appy 'Arry:
Oh, and then there's Spurs fans.
They know they won't win the title. They know their best players hunger for a transfer to Chelsea or Man United. But they hope and they dream and they love Harry Redknapp. Bless 'em.

Welcome back:
Norwich City (six years) and QPR (15 years) return to the Premier League after long absences.
Interestingly, both were foundation members in 1992-93.
Nice effort, boyos:Swansea City, in its centenary season, is about to become the first Welsh club to play in the Premier League.

The big transfers:
Sergio Aguero (Atletico Madrid to Manchester City, 38 million [$NZ75 million]), Stewart Downing (Aston Villa to Liverpool, 20 million), David de Gea (Atletico Madrid to Manchester United, 17.8 million), Phil Jones (Blackburn to Manchester United, 17 million), Ashley Young (Aston Villa to Manchester United, 16 million), Jordan Henderson (Sunderland to Liverpool, 16 million).

The big guns:
Sergio Aguero and Yaya Toure spearhead Manchester City. Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic form the league's best defensive pairing but Manchester United is still all about Wayne Rooney.
Luka Modric (Spurs, possibly to end up at Chelsea) is the silkiest playmaker in the league.
Expect Fernando Torres to bounce back from last season's slump and start banging them in for Chelsea. Luis Suarez is Liverpool's Uruguayan Kenny Dalglish. Arsenal has two fine midfielders in Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri but both could soon be wearing different strips.

The wildcard:
Joey Barton has been in and out of prison - for punching a man 20 times - and has made a habit of slagging off and assaulting team-mates. His latest controversy has been caused by comments made on Twitter. But he's a fair player, and it seems Newcastle is going to hold on to him.

The nutter:
Mario Balotelli is an Italian striker for Manchester City, and a certified oddball. Earlier this year, it was revealed his car had been impounded 27 times. Once he was stopped by police and had 25,000 in cash sitting on the front seat. In the pre-season, he was one-on-one with an opposing goalkeeper and tried (unsuccessfully) to do an outlandish spin-and-shoot move.
A manager's nightmare.

The Kiwis:
All Whites captain Ryan Nelsen is still playing in the heart of the Blackburn Rovers defence. New Zealand under-17 star Tim Payne is trialling with Blackburn.
Winston Reid is still at West Ham, but the Hammers were relegated last season.

The young brigade:
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (from Southampton) and Jack Wilshere will look pretty and win nothing at Arsenal. Phil Jones (from Blackburn) and Tom Cleverley are part of the new era at Manchester United. Chelsea striker Daniel Sturridge will flourish. Jordan Henderson (hopefully) is Liverpool's new Stevie G.

New gaffers:
Alex McLeish still has plenty of doubters after leaving Birmingham to become the manager of nearby rival Aston Villa. Martin Jol turns up at Fulham, eager to restore his reputation after failing at Tottenham years ago.

Financial fair play:
No-one seems to know much and no-one seems to care much about this. Apparently Uefa is trying to bring in some new rule to make sure the clubs adhere to basic financial common sense.
Yeah, right.

The verdict:
Do not - repeat, DO NOT - assume this is any more than a wild guess: Manchester United 1, Manchester City 2, Chelsea 3, Liverpool 4, Tottenham 5, Arsenal 6, Everton 7, Aston Villa 8, Sunderland 9, Stoke 10, Bolton 11, West Brom 12, Newcastle 13, Fulham 14, Wolves 15, Blackburn 16, QPR 17, Wigan 18, Swansea 19, Norwich 20.

Too Busy To Blog

Surprise, surprise.

It's been close to three weeks since I last posted.

I kind of knew this would happen. The blog was fun to chip away at during my holiday. But now that I am back working at a computer all day, the last thing I feel like in the evening is working at a computer.

(Side note: I wonder how many new blogs peter out within, say, a few weeks of being established. It's got to be like 80% or 90%, right?)

So, what's happened since I last posted?

London rioted.

New Zealand went nuts over the All Black jersey being too expensive.

Taieri beat Harbour 12-6 in the Dunedin premier club rugby final.

And my beloved North Otago christened the amazing Forsyth Barr Stadium.

I also wrote this fairly harmless little piece about my first experience of the stadium. Not everyone loved it.

My World Cup XV - Halfback

In which the blogger picks the team he wants to represent the All Blacks when they choke compete in the Rugby World Cup in September-October.

 
9 - Jimmy Cowan

There was a time when I would not have dreamed of considering Jimmy Cowan an automatic selection for the All Blacks.

As a halfback, I thought his pass was only serviceable, his running game non-existent and his generalship questionable.

And as a person, while he was a likeable sort, his brushes with the law and drinking issues made me wonder if he was going to simply fade away, the Justin Marshall lookalike who was about a tenth as talented and committed.

But Jimmy changed, and my opinion did too.

On the field, he peeled off a series of inspiring performances for the Highlanders and Southland.

And off it, he sobered up - literally and metaphorically - proving to the patient All Black coaches that their faith was not misplaced.

He's still an interesting case, Jimmy. He doesn't have the class of Fourie du Preez, the sizzling running ability of Will Genia, or even the exciting package of skills of closest rival Piri Weepu.

But he's tough. He's experienced. His pass is OK. His kicking game is superb. And he is, without question, the greatest defensive halfback the game has ever seen.

The Last Word: July 23

Price-gouging. So sick of hearing that word.
International Rugby Board boss Mike Miller was at it again last week, lecturing New Zealand businesses, especially in the accommodation sector, on the evils of raising prices during the coming World Cup.
This is, of course, the same IRB that charges $31 to watch Japan v Canada in Napier, and $797 to watch a semifinal potentially involving the All Blacks at Eden Park. No gouging there.
The inherent contradiction in Miller's argument is that the World Cup has been sold to the New Zealand public as an economic boon - yet the same public is now being castigated for trying to make money.
Miller suggests the major chains are being responsible, but the smaller operators are being greedy. So the big boys deserve a clap, and Ma and Pa moteliers should pull their heads in.
I suppose he's right. I mean, when I stayed in Cardiff during the last World Cup, my newspaper paid normal rates. Oh, hang on.
The fact is accommodation providers only charge what people are willing to pay.
For the IRB, which forces New Zealand-owned stadiums to be stripped of advertising, and won't even let a school run a sausage sizzle beside them, to point the finger at us for seeing financial opportunity in this tournament is rather hypocritical.
And from Dunedin's perspective, a little gratitude for building the best stadium in the country might be nice.
• The Glasshouse ...
Around the office, they are calling me The Politician.
For I have flip-flopped again on the issue that has dominated this fine city for six (seven? eight?) years now: that aforementioned stadium.
To be fair, I have only ever opined on the proposals on the table, and they changed over the years.
When the idea was for ratepayers to chip in a few million to do up Carisbrook, I was all for it, much to the anti camp's disgust.
When that changed to $200 million - from various sources, but a big hunk from ratepayers - to build fancy new digs, I had questions relating to necessity and affordability, much to the pro camp's disgust.
Now the Glasshouse (by far the best nickname) is nearly complete, and I have been lucky enough to have had a little tour.
• ... is worth every cent
And guess what?
I love it. I'm a shameless bandwagoner. I'm excited about North Otago v West Coast, and the Phoenix, and the Rugby World Cup, and the possibility of other sporting and general events. And I'm cracking jokes with Malcolm Farry like we're old friends.
Call me a sell-out, if you like. I'm still sceptical about the stadium's ability to meet its own bills, and I'm still disappointed the Carisbrook option was discarded so quickly.
But I walked in to the great tent last week, caught my breath, looked up into the heavens and gasped. It's an extraordinary piece of architecture. Let's make it work.
• Outrageous fortune
So, you're the New Zealand Rugby Union.
You have a domestic competition envied by all. It's tribal and intense, it has a glorious history, and it's a production line of wonderful talent.
It also makes sense: three divisions, round robin followed by finals, automatic promotion and relegation. People LOVE it.
So, naturally, you decide to pull the house down. First to go is automatic relegation. Then the round-robin format is tossed out the window. Then you change the name of the competition (three times). Then you put four more teams in the top division, then threaten to drop four teams, then decide to keep two, then decide to keep four.
Finally, you split the first division into two, but say the second division can't be called second division, you alter the format this year and again for next, you play six days a week, and you make the inexplicable and, surely, globally unprecedented decision to allow unions to choose their own opponents.
The old NPC lies in ruins, wrecked by the very masters entrusted with its care.
And yet ... and yet ... somehow the tinny buggers got lucky.
In many ways, the spirit of the old NPC lives on. The tradition and the tribalism are still there, and the general dilution of skills creates both a level playing field and a more free-flowing style.
Go figure.
• Your Carisbrook
Well, the clock is ticking on the dear old 'Brook.
Keep an eye out for a special ODT publication celebrating the sports ground that evolved into the heart and soul of Otago.
As part of our reflections on 130 years of history, we'd like to offer readers the opportunity to have their special Carisbrook memories published.
In no more than 200 words, tell me (email below) why the ground meant so much to you, or recall your favourite moments.
• Old Boys memories
Some New Zealand rugby clubs strike it lucky with passionate historians who produce epic chronicles of decades of grassroots footy.
One such is Dunedin's Pirates, which had Winston Cooper and Mark Fowler to thank for the comprehensive Skill and Crossbones.
Now Oamaru Old Boys has got into the act with a superbly detailed book, 144 Years of Rugby, compiled by Roddy Brown and Leo Breen and assorted club members.
I'm a little biased - the Meikle name appears more than once - but I would be surprised if there is a club history with more information, more statistics and more good yarns.
I particularly liked the tale of the Old Boys forward pack pushing the scrum machine against a pole at training one night. A hefty shove severed a conduit running power to the lights, and the eight forwards received a mighty shock.
Flanker Brian Docherty "got a hell of a belt and was left clutching his arm and uttering expletives. Brian bound looser than ever after that".
• No Blair Pocock?
It seems to have been lost in the crush a little but I see the International Cricket Council has been copping some flak for naming a Best XI skewed towards modern stars.
The ICC asked for a public vote and received more than 250,000 votes.
The team was: Virender Sehwag (India), Sunil Gavaskar (India), Donald Bradman (Australia), Sachin Tendulkar (India), Brian Lara (West Indies), Kapil Dev (India), Adam Gilchrist (Australia), Shane Warne (Australia), Wasim Akram (Pakistan), Curtly Ambrose (West Indies), Glenn McGrath (Australia).
You obviously can't complain about the inclusion of Bradman and Warne.
And, of the more modern faces, Tendulkar and Gilchrist present compelling cases for inclusion, and Sehwag's astonishing record merits consideration.
But Dev over Garry Sobers? Ambrose and McGrath over Dennis Lillee and Malcolm Marshall?
The modern skew and complete lack of Englishmen has angered Geoff Boycott, who described the team as "biased" with "no credibility".

The Last Word: 2011 Power rankings

This column originally appeared in the Otago Daily Times on  Saturday, July 16.

McCaw still top of the heap

 

Click photo to enlarge

[1]

Crusaders and All Blacks captain Richie McCaw. Photo by NZPA.

A year has passed since the unveiling of the inaugural Otago Daily Times power rankings of New Zealand athletes. Sports editor Hayden Meikle updates the list.

 

A quick reminder for those of you who missed our (well, my) first power rankings almost exactly a year ago.

The idea comes from the Americans, who always love a good list. It's about who is hot, right now.

Athletes only. No coaches, administrators or golf caddies.

My list is based on achievement, status, profile and good old-fashioned bias. Oh, and the need to include at least one winter sports star so the snow and ice people don't overload my email.

The figure in parentheses represents where the athlete appeared in last year's power rankings.

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~ THE TOP 10 ~

1. Richie McCaw (1)
Richard the Lionheart
Yes, his Crusaders just got beaten and he's been playing fairly poorly by his own exceptional standards. But you won't keep McCaw down for long. He's still our best rugby player and still our most important sportsman. And if he lifts that World Cup, he passes Colin Meads as our greatest All Black. Yes, he does.
2. Benji Marshall (9)
Super stand-off
Not everyone will be on board with listing the Whakatane Express this high, especially after his run-in with the law earlier this year. But isn't he close to being the best rugby league player in the world? He's an NRL rock star in Australia, the face of the game and the only New Zealand player everyone on the other side of the ditch could automatically recognise. Marshall has also inspired the Kiwis to multiple wins over the Kangaroos in crunch games.
3. Dan Carter (8)
The golden boy
The greatest All Black first five of all time? Or someone who peaked in 2005 and has never quite recaptured his genius? Most probably favour the first description. Carter has breathtaking class and composure, and has a remarkable mass appeal that has seen him gain millions of fans and the bucks to match. He was a non-event at the past two World Cups, so will have intense personal motivation to guide the All Blacks to victory on home soil this year.
4. Valerie Adams (3)
Queen V
Had a little bit of a disappointing year, often finishing second behind Belarussian rival Nadezhda Ostapchuk. But Vili is returning to her best form, is our best chance for gold at the London Olympics next year, and is still the biggest (literally and figuratively) global figure we've got in women's sport.
5. Sonny Bill Williams (new)
Excitement machine
Oh, how we scoffed. A disloyal, money-hungry wannabe boxer was never going to come back to New Zealand and fit into the All Blacks. How wrong we were. SBW is not only the most exciting thing we've seen on a rugby field in years; he is the star attraction of the sport, full stop. It might be fleeting - the lure of big bucks overseas may take him away again - but the SBW era has been great for rugby.
6. Ross Taylor (16)
The new boss
A big lift in ranking reflects Taylor's appointment as Black Caps captain. He is our best batsman, when he isn't responding to those little voices in his head telling him to swing wildly over cow corner. But he must now match talent with reliability and leadership, and he has big boots to fill.
7. Ryan Nelsen (4)
Ryan of Rovers
Slips a little because the All Whites have naturally dropped off the radar since the glorious high of the World Cup. But how many New Zealanders are first-choice in a major European league? That's right, just one.
8. Kirk Penney (12)
King of the Breakers
Remains our best hoopster and one of our most friendly and marketable sporting faces. Penney gets bumped up into the top 10 after leading the Breakers to a breakthrough victory in the Australian league in April.
9. Brendon McCullum (11)
The dynamo
Would have been an exciting choice as Black Caps captain, but missed out to the more temperate Taylor. McCullum is aggressive and exciting. But his double century as an opener in India late last year showed he can also apply himself.
10. Casey Williams (14)
Inspiring leader
Might not be feeling too cheery right now after New Zealand's extra-time loss to Australia in the world netball championships final six days ago. But you couldn't really blame Williams. Even on one good leg, the captain and defensive ace was arguably the Silver Ferns' best player.

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~ THE REST ~
11. Kieran Read (new)
Now an automatic pick at No 8 for the All Blacks and a likely future captain.
12. Daniel Vettori (2)
Will still be a key player for the Black Caps but has shed the responsibility of captaincy.
13. Scott Dixon (7)
Keeping consistent on one of world motorsport's biggest stages.
14. Irene van Dyk (6)
Those legs are understandably fading but she's still pretty darn good at getting the ball through the hoop.
15. Owen Franks (new)
Anyone still worried that Carl Hayman decided to stay in France?
16. Kayla Sharland (new)
Leading from the front as the Black Sticks climb the world rankings.
17. Hamish Bond/Eric Murray (new)
Rowing's golden boys.
18. Nick Willis (new)
An unfortunate omission last year. Our classiest runner for a generation.
19. Alison Shanks (17)
Robbed of a chance to win the individual pursuit at the Olympics but will chase gold as part of a team.
20. Mahe Drysdale (5)
Lost a lot of fans with his anti-All Whites comments after the Halberg Awards. Has also struggled with injury.
21. Jacko Gill (new)
How long before the athletics wunderkind is in our top 10? The sky's the limit.
22. Jossi Wells (new)
The freeskiing king got a massive boost with the news his sport had been added to the Winter Olympics.
23. Marina Erakovic (new)
Coming back into form and made the doubles semifinals at Wimbledon.
24. Paige Hareb (23)
Getting better all the time and just finished seventh at the world surfing games.
25. Julian Dean (13)
Still the only Kiwi in the Tour de France.

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DROPPING OUT:
• Shane Smeltz (10)
• Dean Barker (15)
• David Tua (18)
• Winston Reid (19)
• Conrad Smith (20)
• Michael Campbell (21)
• Sean Marks (22)
• Sarah Walker (24)
• Brad Thorn (25)

My World Cup XV - First five

In which the blogger picks the team he wants to represent the All Blacks when they choke compete in the Rugby World Cup in September-October.

 
10 - Dan Carter

I've argued many times before that perhaps people have just gone a little bit over the top in their assessment of Carter as the greatest player of all time etc etc.

Look, the guy is one superb rugby player. He does everything well. There are no weaknesses.

But Grant Fox was a hell of a first five too. That Andrew Mehrtens bloke was pretty special.

And it's always been my feeling that Carter (a) peaked in 2005 and (b) needs to dominate a World Cup before he can be acclaimed our greatest 10.

But of course he's unchallenged as our starting first five this year, and of course our chances will take a massive hit if he is off-form or injured.

Do you want Aaron Cruden to be running our backline? NO.

Do you want Luke McAlister? NOOOOO.

Do you want Stephen Donald? HELL NOOOOO.

Colin Slade? Good player. But the All Blacks need Dan to help deliver them to glory.