A week in the life of Stevie

This appeared in the Otago Daily Times on Friday, August 12. I thought it was quite funny. Some at the ODT apparently didn't like it.

Forget the mighty Tall Blacks, or the price of an All Black jersey. The biggest talking point in New Zealand sport this week has been Steve "Stevie" Williams, a golf caddy with a knack for a sound bite. HAYDEN MEIKLE imagines what a week in the life of Williams could be like.

Monday: Roll out of bed at 10am after a hard night celebrating my victory at Bridgestone. Check out my biceps in the mirror for a couple of minutes while I listen to a motivational tape featuring my own voice chanting "You're the best, Stevie" over and over.
Cornflakes for brekkie and I splutter when I read that some clown has referred to Richie McCaw as New Zealand's greatest sportsman. What about me? What about Stevie? I'm THE GREATEST SPORTSMAN IN THE WORLD.

Tuesday: Change my Wikipedia entry to say I can count 12,885 days of my life that are better than the days I won majors with Tiger.
Go to my nephew's school sports day. He won the 100m and the 200m. I accept the trophy and let the kids give me a standing ovation.
Then it's off to Wal-Mart, where I find a new copy of Rocky. Mine has worn out after being played 217 times this year.

Click photo to enlarge

Thanks for your assistance, Adam ... Steve Williams (left) celebrates with his golfer, Australia's Adam Scott, after victory in the WGC Bridgestone Invitational tournament earlier this week.

Wednesday: It's a very exciting day for me. In fact, it's THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE. My autobiography is being launched. It's called I, Stevie: The Greatest Caddy Who Ever Played and every word is written by me. The only problem is I think the publisher, Ego Books, must have put the wrong launch date out there, because I end up sitting at a table on my own for two hours. Still, gives me plenty of time to visualise winning yet another major this week.
Check my bank account and almost choke. Where are my winnings from Bridgestone? I text the Aussie kid but there's no response. Network must be down.

Thursday: Come on, Stevie! I'm leading the PGA Championship by two shots after the first round. At this rate, this is going to be THE GREATEST FOUR DAYS OF MY LIFE.
Phil Mickelson, that [beep], is tied for second. That second-rate player I made look like a champion for 10 years shot aa 77. Now that's what you call karma, Stevie style.
Relax at the hotel with a six-pack of Red Bull and re-read my autobiography. Give Ted a call. Tell him I can't make it home for the All Blacks' opening World Cup game and present the jerseys like I suggested. Promise him I'll send over a few of my clubs for the boys, and a special pre-game motivational tape.

Friday: You [beeping] [beeps]! Two [beeping] photographers click away while I am putting the driver back in my bag. Don't they know any [beeping] golf [beeping] etiquette? You never click during a caddy's back-in-bag swing! It is THE ANGRIEST I'VE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE. Even smashing their expensive cameras against the nearest tree doesn't cheer me up much.

Saturday: Yeahhhh! Back in the PGA lead after my brilliant decision to go over the bunker on the 17th. Fist-pump, fist-pump, fist-pump, yeeahhhh.
After I sign my scorecard, I jump in my new Hummer and race to the local mall, where my video game - Stevie Williams PGA Tour 2012 - is being launched. I'm on the cover, in classic Stevie fist-pump mode. And the game allows you to be me, the prince of caddies, directing a series of faceless, nameless golfers.

Sunday: Fist-pump, chest-bump, finely-sculpted-pectorals-thump yeeahhh! I've won the PGA Championship by four strokes. This has been THE GREATEST YEAR OF MY LIFE.
[Beep] you, Tiger. [Beep] you, Phil Mickelson. And [beep] all you [beeping] critics who think a caddy should shut the [beep] up.
This is my time! I am Stevie!

Here we go, here we go

This article appeared in the Otago Daily Times on Friday, August 12.

Football season. Again. England's streets have been trashed by rioters this week but hopefully the beautiful game can now take centre stage. Sports editor Hayden Meikle looks into his Premier League crystal ball.

Who will win:
Odds are it will be a team from Manchester. Sadly. City has splashed the cash for two seasons now and won the FA Cup last season. United romped to a record 19th title last season, has rebuilt in key areas, still has Sir Alex Ferguson pulling the strings and will start as the favourite.

The next Fergie:
Luis Andre de Pina Cabral e Villas-Boas. Usually known as Andre Villas-Boas, the new Chelsea gaffer is just 33 years old. Comes from Porto, where he became the youngest manager to win a European title. Has zero experience as a top player. A genius? Or doomed to fail?

King Kenny:
Guide me, o thou great redeemer. To Liverpool fans, Kenny Dalglish can do no wrong.
He's spent his share of dough, mainly on midfielders for some reason, but you can't put a price on his mana.

Worried Wenger:
Arsenal fans are a strange bunch.
They worship the ground Arsene Wenger walks on, scoff at any other club that dares to spend more than $2 million on a player and don't seem to care that they haven't won a trophy in six years.

'Appy 'Arry:
Oh, and then there's Spurs fans.
They know they won't win the title. They know their best players hunger for a transfer to Chelsea or Man United. But they hope and they dream and they love Harry Redknapp. Bless 'em.

Welcome back:
Norwich City (six years) and QPR (15 years) return to the Premier League after long absences.
Interestingly, both were foundation members in 1992-93.
Nice effort, boyos:Swansea City, in its centenary season, is about to become the first Welsh club to play in the Premier League.

The big transfers:
Sergio Aguero (Atletico Madrid to Manchester City, 38 million [$NZ75 million]), Stewart Downing (Aston Villa to Liverpool, 20 million), David de Gea (Atletico Madrid to Manchester United, 17.8 million), Phil Jones (Blackburn to Manchester United, 17 million), Ashley Young (Aston Villa to Manchester United, 16 million), Jordan Henderson (Sunderland to Liverpool, 16 million).

The big guns:
Sergio Aguero and Yaya Toure spearhead Manchester City. Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic form the league's best defensive pairing but Manchester United is still all about Wayne Rooney.
Luka Modric (Spurs, possibly to end up at Chelsea) is the silkiest playmaker in the league.
Expect Fernando Torres to bounce back from last season's slump and start banging them in for Chelsea. Luis Suarez is Liverpool's Uruguayan Kenny Dalglish. Arsenal has two fine midfielders in Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri but both could soon be wearing different strips.

The wildcard:
Joey Barton has been in and out of prison - for punching a man 20 times - and has made a habit of slagging off and assaulting team-mates. His latest controversy has been caused by comments made on Twitter. But he's a fair player, and it seems Newcastle is going to hold on to him.

The nutter:
Mario Balotelli is an Italian striker for Manchester City, and a certified oddball. Earlier this year, it was revealed his car had been impounded 27 times. Once he was stopped by police and had 25,000 in cash sitting on the front seat. In the pre-season, he was one-on-one with an opposing goalkeeper and tried (unsuccessfully) to do an outlandish spin-and-shoot move.
A manager's nightmare.

The Kiwis:
All Whites captain Ryan Nelsen is still playing in the heart of the Blackburn Rovers defence. New Zealand under-17 star Tim Payne is trialling with Blackburn.
Winston Reid is still at West Ham, but the Hammers were relegated last season.

The young brigade:
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (from Southampton) and Jack Wilshere will look pretty and win nothing at Arsenal. Phil Jones (from Blackburn) and Tom Cleverley are part of the new era at Manchester United. Chelsea striker Daniel Sturridge will flourish. Jordan Henderson (hopefully) is Liverpool's new Stevie G.

New gaffers:
Alex McLeish still has plenty of doubters after leaving Birmingham to become the manager of nearby rival Aston Villa. Martin Jol turns up at Fulham, eager to restore his reputation after failing at Tottenham years ago.

Financial fair play:
No-one seems to know much and no-one seems to care much about this. Apparently Uefa is trying to bring in some new rule to make sure the clubs adhere to basic financial common sense.
Yeah, right.

The verdict:
Do not - repeat, DO NOT - assume this is any more than a wild guess: Manchester United 1, Manchester City 2, Chelsea 3, Liverpool 4, Tottenham 5, Arsenal 6, Everton 7, Aston Villa 8, Sunderland 9, Stoke 10, Bolton 11, West Brom 12, Newcastle 13, Fulham 14, Wolves 15, Blackburn 16, QPR 17, Wigan 18, Swansea 19, Norwich 20.

Too Busy To Blog

Surprise, surprise.

It's been close to three weeks since I last posted.

I kind of knew this would happen. The blog was fun to chip away at during my holiday. But now that I am back working at a computer all day, the last thing I feel like in the evening is working at a computer.

(Side note: I wonder how many new blogs peter out within, say, a few weeks of being established. It's got to be like 80% or 90%, right?)

So, what's happened since I last posted?

London rioted.

New Zealand went nuts over the All Black jersey being too expensive.

Taieri beat Harbour 12-6 in the Dunedin premier club rugby final.

And my beloved North Otago christened the amazing Forsyth Barr Stadium.

I also wrote this fairly harmless little piece about my first experience of the stadium. Not everyone loved it.