A week in the life of Stevie

This appeared in the Otago Daily Times on Friday, August 12. I thought it was quite funny. Some at the ODT apparently didn't like it.

Forget the mighty Tall Blacks, or the price of an All Black jersey. The biggest talking point in New Zealand sport this week has been Steve "Stevie" Williams, a golf caddy with a knack for a sound bite. HAYDEN MEIKLE imagines what a week in the life of Williams could be like.

Monday: Roll out of bed at 10am after a hard night celebrating my victory at Bridgestone. Check out my biceps in the mirror for a couple of minutes while I listen to a motivational tape featuring my own voice chanting "You're the best, Stevie" over and over.
Cornflakes for brekkie and I splutter when I read that some clown has referred to Richie McCaw as New Zealand's greatest sportsman. What about me? What about Stevie? I'm THE GREATEST SPORTSMAN IN THE WORLD.

Tuesday: Change my Wikipedia entry to say I can count 12,885 days of my life that are better than the days I won majors with Tiger.
Go to my nephew's school sports day. He won the 100m and the 200m. I accept the trophy and let the kids give me a standing ovation.
Then it's off to Wal-Mart, where I find a new copy of Rocky. Mine has worn out after being played 217 times this year.

Click photo to enlarge

Thanks for your assistance, Adam ... Steve Williams (left) celebrates with his golfer, Australia's Adam Scott, after victory in the WGC Bridgestone Invitational tournament earlier this week.

Wednesday: It's a very exciting day for me. In fact, it's THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE. My autobiography is being launched. It's called I, Stevie: The Greatest Caddy Who Ever Played and every word is written by me. The only problem is I think the publisher, Ego Books, must have put the wrong launch date out there, because I end up sitting at a table on my own for two hours. Still, gives me plenty of time to visualise winning yet another major this week.
Check my bank account and almost choke. Where are my winnings from Bridgestone? I text the Aussie kid but there's no response. Network must be down.

Thursday: Come on, Stevie! I'm leading the PGA Championship by two shots after the first round. At this rate, this is going to be THE GREATEST FOUR DAYS OF MY LIFE.
Phil Mickelson, that [beep], is tied for second. That second-rate player I made look like a champion for 10 years shot aa 77. Now that's what you call karma, Stevie style.
Relax at the hotel with a six-pack of Red Bull and re-read my autobiography. Give Ted a call. Tell him I can't make it home for the All Blacks' opening World Cup game and present the jerseys like I suggested. Promise him I'll send over a few of my clubs for the boys, and a special pre-game motivational tape.

Friday: You [beeping] [beeps]! Two [beeping] photographers click away while I am putting the driver back in my bag. Don't they know any [beeping] golf [beeping] etiquette? You never click during a caddy's back-in-bag swing! It is THE ANGRIEST I'VE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE. Even smashing their expensive cameras against the nearest tree doesn't cheer me up much.

Saturday: Yeahhhh! Back in the PGA lead after my brilliant decision to go over the bunker on the 17th. Fist-pump, fist-pump, fist-pump, yeeahhhh.
After I sign my scorecard, I jump in my new Hummer and race to the local mall, where my video game - Stevie Williams PGA Tour 2012 - is being launched. I'm on the cover, in classic Stevie fist-pump mode. And the game allows you to be me, the prince of caddies, directing a series of faceless, nameless golfers.

Sunday: Fist-pump, chest-bump, finely-sculpted-pectorals-thump yeeahhh! I've won the PGA Championship by four strokes. This has been THE GREATEST YEAR OF MY LIFE.
[Beep] you, Tiger. [Beep] you, Phil Mickelson. And [beep] all you [beeping] critics who think a caddy should shut the [beep] up.
This is my time! I am Stevie!

Here we go, here we go

This article appeared in the Otago Daily Times on Friday, August 12.

Football season. Again. England's streets have been trashed by rioters this week but hopefully the beautiful game can now take centre stage. Sports editor Hayden Meikle looks into his Premier League crystal ball.

Who will win:
Odds are it will be a team from Manchester. Sadly. City has splashed the cash for two seasons now and won the FA Cup last season. United romped to a record 19th title last season, has rebuilt in key areas, still has Sir Alex Ferguson pulling the strings and will start as the favourite.

The next Fergie:
Luis Andre de Pina Cabral e Villas-Boas. Usually known as Andre Villas-Boas, the new Chelsea gaffer is just 33 years old. Comes from Porto, where he became the youngest manager to win a European title. Has zero experience as a top player. A genius? Or doomed to fail?

King Kenny:
Guide me, o thou great redeemer. To Liverpool fans, Kenny Dalglish can do no wrong.
He's spent his share of dough, mainly on midfielders for some reason, but you can't put a price on his mana.

Worried Wenger:
Arsenal fans are a strange bunch.
They worship the ground Arsene Wenger walks on, scoff at any other club that dares to spend more than $2 million on a player and don't seem to care that they haven't won a trophy in six years.

'Appy 'Arry:
Oh, and then there's Spurs fans.
They know they won't win the title. They know their best players hunger for a transfer to Chelsea or Man United. But they hope and they dream and they love Harry Redknapp. Bless 'em.

Welcome back:
Norwich City (six years) and QPR (15 years) return to the Premier League after long absences.
Interestingly, both were foundation members in 1992-93.
Nice effort, boyos:Swansea City, in its centenary season, is about to become the first Welsh club to play in the Premier League.

The big transfers:
Sergio Aguero (Atletico Madrid to Manchester City, 38 million [$NZ75 million]), Stewart Downing (Aston Villa to Liverpool, 20 million), David de Gea (Atletico Madrid to Manchester United, 17.8 million), Phil Jones (Blackburn to Manchester United, 17 million), Ashley Young (Aston Villa to Manchester United, 16 million), Jordan Henderson (Sunderland to Liverpool, 16 million).

The big guns:
Sergio Aguero and Yaya Toure spearhead Manchester City. Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic form the league's best defensive pairing but Manchester United is still all about Wayne Rooney.
Luka Modric (Spurs, possibly to end up at Chelsea) is the silkiest playmaker in the league.
Expect Fernando Torres to bounce back from last season's slump and start banging them in for Chelsea. Luis Suarez is Liverpool's Uruguayan Kenny Dalglish. Arsenal has two fine midfielders in Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri but both could soon be wearing different strips.

The wildcard:
Joey Barton has been in and out of prison - for punching a man 20 times - and has made a habit of slagging off and assaulting team-mates. His latest controversy has been caused by comments made on Twitter. But he's a fair player, and it seems Newcastle is going to hold on to him.

The nutter:
Mario Balotelli is an Italian striker for Manchester City, and a certified oddball. Earlier this year, it was revealed his car had been impounded 27 times. Once he was stopped by police and had 25,000 in cash sitting on the front seat. In the pre-season, he was one-on-one with an opposing goalkeeper and tried (unsuccessfully) to do an outlandish spin-and-shoot move.
A manager's nightmare.

The Kiwis:
All Whites captain Ryan Nelsen is still playing in the heart of the Blackburn Rovers defence. New Zealand under-17 star Tim Payne is trialling with Blackburn.
Winston Reid is still at West Ham, but the Hammers were relegated last season.

The young brigade:
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (from Southampton) and Jack Wilshere will look pretty and win nothing at Arsenal. Phil Jones (from Blackburn) and Tom Cleverley are part of the new era at Manchester United. Chelsea striker Daniel Sturridge will flourish. Jordan Henderson (hopefully) is Liverpool's new Stevie G.

New gaffers:
Alex McLeish still has plenty of doubters after leaving Birmingham to become the manager of nearby rival Aston Villa. Martin Jol turns up at Fulham, eager to restore his reputation after failing at Tottenham years ago.

Financial fair play:
No-one seems to know much and no-one seems to care much about this. Apparently Uefa is trying to bring in some new rule to make sure the clubs adhere to basic financial common sense.
Yeah, right.

The verdict:
Do not - repeat, DO NOT - assume this is any more than a wild guess: Manchester United 1, Manchester City 2, Chelsea 3, Liverpool 4, Tottenham 5, Arsenal 6, Everton 7, Aston Villa 8, Sunderland 9, Stoke 10, Bolton 11, West Brom 12, Newcastle 13, Fulham 14, Wolves 15, Blackburn 16, QPR 17, Wigan 18, Swansea 19, Norwich 20.

Too Busy To Blog

Surprise, surprise.

It's been close to three weeks since I last posted.

I kind of knew this would happen. The blog was fun to chip away at during my holiday. But now that I am back working at a computer all day, the last thing I feel like in the evening is working at a computer.

(Side note: I wonder how many new blogs peter out within, say, a few weeks of being established. It's got to be like 80% or 90%, right?)

So, what's happened since I last posted?

London rioted.

New Zealand went nuts over the All Black jersey being too expensive.

Taieri beat Harbour 12-6 in the Dunedin premier club rugby final.

And my beloved North Otago christened the amazing Forsyth Barr Stadium.

I also wrote this fairly harmless little piece about my first experience of the stadium. Not everyone loved it.

My World Cup XV - Halfback

In which the blogger picks the team he wants to represent the All Blacks when they choke compete in the Rugby World Cup in September-October.

 
9 - Jimmy Cowan

There was a time when I would not have dreamed of considering Jimmy Cowan an automatic selection for the All Blacks.

As a halfback, I thought his pass was only serviceable, his running game non-existent and his generalship questionable.

And as a person, while he was a likeable sort, his brushes with the law and drinking issues made me wonder if he was going to simply fade away, the Justin Marshall lookalike who was about a tenth as talented and committed.

But Jimmy changed, and my opinion did too.

On the field, he peeled off a series of inspiring performances for the Highlanders and Southland.

And off it, he sobered up - literally and metaphorically - proving to the patient All Black coaches that their faith was not misplaced.

He's still an interesting case, Jimmy. He doesn't have the class of Fourie du Preez, the sizzling running ability of Will Genia, or even the exciting package of skills of closest rival Piri Weepu.

But he's tough. He's experienced. His pass is OK. His kicking game is superb. And he is, without question, the greatest defensive halfback the game has ever seen.

The Last Word: July 23

Price-gouging. So sick of hearing that word.
International Rugby Board boss Mike Miller was at it again last week, lecturing New Zealand businesses, especially in the accommodation sector, on the evils of raising prices during the coming World Cup.
This is, of course, the same IRB that charges $31 to watch Japan v Canada in Napier, and $797 to watch a semifinal potentially involving the All Blacks at Eden Park. No gouging there.
The inherent contradiction in Miller's argument is that the World Cup has been sold to the New Zealand public as an economic boon - yet the same public is now being castigated for trying to make money.
Miller suggests the major chains are being responsible, but the smaller operators are being greedy. So the big boys deserve a clap, and Ma and Pa moteliers should pull their heads in.
I suppose he's right. I mean, when I stayed in Cardiff during the last World Cup, my newspaper paid normal rates. Oh, hang on.
The fact is accommodation providers only charge what people are willing to pay.
For the IRB, which forces New Zealand-owned stadiums to be stripped of advertising, and won't even let a school run a sausage sizzle beside them, to point the finger at us for seeing financial opportunity in this tournament is rather hypocritical.
And from Dunedin's perspective, a little gratitude for building the best stadium in the country might be nice.
• The Glasshouse ...
Around the office, they are calling me The Politician.
For I have flip-flopped again on the issue that has dominated this fine city for six (seven? eight?) years now: that aforementioned stadium.
To be fair, I have only ever opined on the proposals on the table, and they changed over the years.
When the idea was for ratepayers to chip in a few million to do up Carisbrook, I was all for it, much to the anti camp's disgust.
When that changed to $200 million - from various sources, but a big hunk from ratepayers - to build fancy new digs, I had questions relating to necessity and affordability, much to the pro camp's disgust.
Now the Glasshouse (by far the best nickname) is nearly complete, and I have been lucky enough to have had a little tour.
• ... is worth every cent
And guess what?
I love it. I'm a shameless bandwagoner. I'm excited about North Otago v West Coast, and the Phoenix, and the Rugby World Cup, and the possibility of other sporting and general events. And I'm cracking jokes with Malcolm Farry like we're old friends.
Call me a sell-out, if you like. I'm still sceptical about the stadium's ability to meet its own bills, and I'm still disappointed the Carisbrook option was discarded so quickly.
But I walked in to the great tent last week, caught my breath, looked up into the heavens and gasped. It's an extraordinary piece of architecture. Let's make it work.
• Outrageous fortune
So, you're the New Zealand Rugby Union.
You have a domestic competition envied by all. It's tribal and intense, it has a glorious history, and it's a production line of wonderful talent.
It also makes sense: three divisions, round robin followed by finals, automatic promotion and relegation. People LOVE it.
So, naturally, you decide to pull the house down. First to go is automatic relegation. Then the round-robin format is tossed out the window. Then you change the name of the competition (three times). Then you put four more teams in the top division, then threaten to drop four teams, then decide to keep two, then decide to keep four.
Finally, you split the first division into two, but say the second division can't be called second division, you alter the format this year and again for next, you play six days a week, and you make the inexplicable and, surely, globally unprecedented decision to allow unions to choose their own opponents.
The old NPC lies in ruins, wrecked by the very masters entrusted with its care.
And yet ... and yet ... somehow the tinny buggers got lucky.
In many ways, the spirit of the old NPC lives on. The tradition and the tribalism are still there, and the general dilution of skills creates both a level playing field and a more free-flowing style.
Go figure.
• Your Carisbrook
Well, the clock is ticking on the dear old 'Brook.
Keep an eye out for a special ODT publication celebrating the sports ground that evolved into the heart and soul of Otago.
As part of our reflections on 130 years of history, we'd like to offer readers the opportunity to have their special Carisbrook memories published.
In no more than 200 words, tell me (email below) why the ground meant so much to you, or recall your favourite moments.
• Old Boys memories
Some New Zealand rugby clubs strike it lucky with passionate historians who produce epic chronicles of decades of grassroots footy.
One such is Dunedin's Pirates, which had Winston Cooper and Mark Fowler to thank for the comprehensive Skill and Crossbones.
Now Oamaru Old Boys has got into the act with a superbly detailed book, 144 Years of Rugby, compiled by Roddy Brown and Leo Breen and assorted club members.
I'm a little biased - the Meikle name appears more than once - but I would be surprised if there is a club history with more information, more statistics and more good yarns.
I particularly liked the tale of the Old Boys forward pack pushing the scrum machine against a pole at training one night. A hefty shove severed a conduit running power to the lights, and the eight forwards received a mighty shock.
Flanker Brian Docherty "got a hell of a belt and was left clutching his arm and uttering expletives. Brian bound looser than ever after that".
• No Blair Pocock?
It seems to have been lost in the crush a little but I see the International Cricket Council has been copping some flak for naming a Best XI skewed towards modern stars.
The ICC asked for a public vote and received more than 250,000 votes.
The team was: Virender Sehwag (India), Sunil Gavaskar (India), Donald Bradman (Australia), Sachin Tendulkar (India), Brian Lara (West Indies), Kapil Dev (India), Adam Gilchrist (Australia), Shane Warne (Australia), Wasim Akram (Pakistan), Curtly Ambrose (West Indies), Glenn McGrath (Australia).
You obviously can't complain about the inclusion of Bradman and Warne.
And, of the more modern faces, Tendulkar and Gilchrist present compelling cases for inclusion, and Sehwag's astonishing record merits consideration.
But Dev over Garry Sobers? Ambrose and McGrath over Dennis Lillee and Malcolm Marshall?
The modern skew and complete lack of Englishmen has angered Geoff Boycott, who described the team as "biased" with "no credibility".

The Last Word: 2011 Power rankings

This column originally appeared in the Otago Daily Times on  Saturday, July 16.

McCaw still top of the heap

 

Click photo to enlarge

[1]

Crusaders and All Blacks captain Richie McCaw. Photo by NZPA.

A year has passed since the unveiling of the inaugural Otago Daily Times power rankings of New Zealand athletes. Sports editor Hayden Meikle updates the list.

 

A quick reminder for those of you who missed our (well, my) first power rankings almost exactly a year ago.

The idea comes from the Americans, who always love a good list. It's about who is hot, right now.

Athletes only. No coaches, administrators or golf caddies.

My list is based on achievement, status, profile and good old-fashioned bias. Oh, and the need to include at least one winter sports star so the snow and ice people don't overload my email.

The figure in parentheses represents where the athlete appeared in last year's power rankings.

---

---

~ THE TOP 10 ~

1. Richie McCaw (1)
Richard the Lionheart
Yes, his Crusaders just got beaten and he's been playing fairly poorly by his own exceptional standards. But you won't keep McCaw down for long. He's still our best rugby player and still our most important sportsman. And if he lifts that World Cup, he passes Colin Meads as our greatest All Black. Yes, he does.
2. Benji Marshall (9)
Super stand-off
Not everyone will be on board with listing the Whakatane Express this high, especially after his run-in with the law earlier this year. But isn't he close to being the best rugby league player in the world? He's an NRL rock star in Australia, the face of the game and the only New Zealand player everyone on the other side of the ditch could automatically recognise. Marshall has also inspired the Kiwis to multiple wins over the Kangaroos in crunch games.
3. Dan Carter (8)
The golden boy
The greatest All Black first five of all time? Or someone who peaked in 2005 and has never quite recaptured his genius? Most probably favour the first description. Carter has breathtaking class and composure, and has a remarkable mass appeal that has seen him gain millions of fans and the bucks to match. He was a non-event at the past two World Cups, so will have intense personal motivation to guide the All Blacks to victory on home soil this year.
4. Valerie Adams (3)
Queen V
Had a little bit of a disappointing year, often finishing second behind Belarussian rival Nadezhda Ostapchuk. But Vili is returning to her best form, is our best chance for gold at the London Olympics next year, and is still the biggest (literally and figuratively) global figure we've got in women's sport.
5. Sonny Bill Williams (new)
Excitement machine
Oh, how we scoffed. A disloyal, money-hungry wannabe boxer was never going to come back to New Zealand and fit into the All Blacks. How wrong we were. SBW is not only the most exciting thing we've seen on a rugby field in years; he is the star attraction of the sport, full stop. It might be fleeting - the lure of big bucks overseas may take him away again - but the SBW era has been great for rugby.
6. Ross Taylor (16)
The new boss
A big lift in ranking reflects Taylor's appointment as Black Caps captain. He is our best batsman, when he isn't responding to those little voices in his head telling him to swing wildly over cow corner. But he must now match talent with reliability and leadership, and he has big boots to fill.
7. Ryan Nelsen (4)
Ryan of Rovers
Slips a little because the All Whites have naturally dropped off the radar since the glorious high of the World Cup. But how many New Zealanders are first-choice in a major European league? That's right, just one.
8. Kirk Penney (12)
King of the Breakers
Remains our best hoopster and one of our most friendly and marketable sporting faces. Penney gets bumped up into the top 10 after leading the Breakers to a breakthrough victory in the Australian league in April.
9. Brendon McCullum (11)
The dynamo
Would have been an exciting choice as Black Caps captain, but missed out to the more temperate Taylor. McCullum is aggressive and exciting. But his double century as an opener in India late last year showed he can also apply himself.
10. Casey Williams (14)
Inspiring leader
Might not be feeling too cheery right now after New Zealand's extra-time loss to Australia in the world netball championships final six days ago. But you couldn't really blame Williams. Even on one good leg, the captain and defensive ace was arguably the Silver Ferns' best player.

---

---

~ THE REST ~
11. Kieran Read (new)
Now an automatic pick at No 8 for the All Blacks and a likely future captain.
12. Daniel Vettori (2)
Will still be a key player for the Black Caps but has shed the responsibility of captaincy.
13. Scott Dixon (7)
Keeping consistent on one of world motorsport's biggest stages.
14. Irene van Dyk (6)
Those legs are understandably fading but she's still pretty darn good at getting the ball through the hoop.
15. Owen Franks (new)
Anyone still worried that Carl Hayman decided to stay in France?
16. Kayla Sharland (new)
Leading from the front as the Black Sticks climb the world rankings.
17. Hamish Bond/Eric Murray (new)
Rowing's golden boys.
18. Nick Willis (new)
An unfortunate omission last year. Our classiest runner for a generation.
19. Alison Shanks (17)
Robbed of a chance to win the individual pursuit at the Olympics but will chase gold as part of a team.
20. Mahe Drysdale (5)
Lost a lot of fans with his anti-All Whites comments after the Halberg Awards. Has also struggled with injury.
21. Jacko Gill (new)
How long before the athletics wunderkind is in our top 10? The sky's the limit.
22. Jossi Wells (new)
The freeskiing king got a massive boost with the news his sport had been added to the Winter Olympics.
23. Marina Erakovic (new)
Coming back into form and made the doubles semifinals at Wimbledon.
24. Paige Hareb (23)
Getting better all the time and just finished seventh at the world surfing games.
25. Julian Dean (13)
Still the only Kiwi in the Tour de France.

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DROPPING OUT:
• Shane Smeltz (10)
• Dean Barker (15)
• David Tua (18)
• Winston Reid (19)
• Conrad Smith (20)
• Michael Campbell (21)
• Sean Marks (22)
• Sarah Walker (24)
• Brad Thorn (25)

My World Cup XV - First five

In which the blogger picks the team he wants to represent the All Blacks when they choke compete in the Rugby World Cup in September-October.

 
10 - Dan Carter

I've argued many times before that perhaps people have just gone a little bit over the top in their assessment of Carter as the greatest player of all time etc etc.

Look, the guy is one superb rugby player. He does everything well. There are no weaknesses.

But Grant Fox was a hell of a first five too. That Andrew Mehrtens bloke was pretty special.

And it's always been my feeling that Carter (a) peaked in 2005 and (b) needs to dominate a World Cup before he can be acclaimed our greatest 10.

But of course he's unchallenged as our starting first five this year, and of course our chances will take a massive hit if he is off-form or injured.

Do you want Aaron Cruden to be running our backline? NO.

Do you want Luke McAlister? NOOOOO.

Do you want Stephen Donald? HELL NOOOOO.

Colin Slade? Good player. But the All Blacks need Dan to help deliver them to glory.

Rewind: The 1999 choke

This is my match report from the 1999 world netball championships final in Christchurch. The memories are vivid.


Christchurch: It will live on in our memories as one of the great chokes
in New Zealand sporting history.

Australia's 42-41 win in the world netball championship final on
Saturday night drew rivers of tears from the Silver Ferns and torrents
of cheers from hundreds of gold-clad supporters.

This was an epic clash, decided by a single buzzer-beating goal after
one of the more remarkable comebacks seen on a netball court.

New Zealand led by six goals heading into the final quarter and appeared
to be heading for its first world title since 1987.

But an Australian netballer should never be under-estimated, and there
were some worried home fans when the defending champion drew level with
two minutes to play.

The sides traded goals until star New Zealand shooter Donna Loffhagen
took possession in a spot from which she would normally have no problem
netting a goal.

The ball went up once, twice, three times, missed each time and the
Australians had the ball back with 16 seconds to play.

Replacement goal-attack Sharelle McMahon calmly slotted her shot in the
final second and was mobbed by her jubilant team-mates.

The match capped a forgettable decade at the world tournament for the
New Zealanders, beaten by a single goal by eventual champion Australia
for the third successive time.

New Zealand started the seven players who won Friday night's thriller
against Jamaica - shooters Loffhagen and Belinda Colling, Anna Rowberry,
Julie Seymour and Lesley Nicol through the mid-court and Belinda
Charteris and Bernice Mene on defence.

Australia started Liz Ellis and Kathryn Harby on defence, Peta Squire,
Carissa Tombs and Shelley O'Donnell through the mid-court and Jacqui
Delaney and Vicki Wilson in the shooting circle.

Both sides started the match at a furious pace, with New Zealand's
defence an early stand-out against some hesitant Australian attackers.

Mene was superb, giving Wilson precious little room to move under the
net, and Charteris was able to frequently force Delaney to shoot from
long range.

A 13-13 score reflected a tough and even first quarter, although
Australia did lead by up to three in the middle stages.

New Zealand got a break in the second quarter and upped the pace to lead
23-21 at half-time.

If the first quarter had been entertaining and the second relatively
flat, then the best word for the third was messy.

There were numerous turnovers, spilled passes and missed goals, and both
sides seemed to get increasingly frustrated by the inconsistency of the
match umpires.

Australia took the opportunity of replacing the erratic Delaney with
McMahon during an injury break 10 minutes into the quarter, and the
change made an almost-immediate difference.

The 1991 and 1995 champion, which started the game showing little of the
killer instinct it was once famous for, trailed 28-34 heading into the
final quarter.

There was a briefly sad moment when 99-test veteran Wilson was replaced
by Jenny Borlase, but the solace of ending her career as a world
champion must surely be sweet enough.

Harby and Ellis were at their familiar best on defence, Tombs ended her
test career with a solid performance and O'Donnell had a fine second half.

But the star of the show was undoubtedly McMahon, the bashful
22-year-old who only played 20 minutes but ended up turning the match.

Seymour, named the player of the tournament after the match, and Otago
captain Nicol were solid on defence for New Zealand.

Australia 42 (V Wilson 15 goals from 26 attempts, J Delaney 12/18, J
Borlase 9/13, S McMahon 6/8), New Zealand 41 (D Loffhagen 30/42, B
Colling 11/20). Half-time: 21-23.

Birthday boy - Ewen Chatfield

An occasional series in which the blogger celebrates the birthday of a great - or, at least, interesting - person.

Ewen Chatfield
Cricketer
July 3, 1950 -

I know, it seems like sacrilege that the photo I have posted of "Charlie Chats" is one of him sans moustache.

No-one rocked the mo' quite like the Naenae Express (funny name considering he wasn't really fast) in the 1980s.

And no-one could have played a better straight man to Richard Hadlee's rock star. He trundled in, day after day, doing the shit work while Paddles took all the glory.

Ewen Chatfield was a very good bowler. He played 43 tests, claiming 123 wickets at the decent average of 32.17.

But we loved him because he seemed like a bloody good, ordinary bloke. Read this line from his Wikipedia profile:

"Since retiring from first-class cricket, Chatfield has had a variety of jobs. He coached the Hutt Valley association until they merged with Wellington, worked in a chip shop, was a courier and drove a van for a dairy. He also mowed lawns, and as of 2009 works as a taxi driver in Wellington."

Marvellous.

The Last Word: July 2

Don't blame us
Otago people should be feeling equal amounts of surprise and guilt at the anaemic ticket sales for the July 22 test at Carisbrook.   

Equal, as in zero.
It was always going to be an exceptionally tough sell, this test, even with all the goodwill surrounding the money it hopes to raise for the Christchurch Earthquake Appeal.
The reasons are threefold:
1 We've already said goodbye, at All Black level, to Carisbrook. That all happened last year. That was an easy sellout because people wanted to see the last test at the 'Brook. They got T-shirts made up and they held on to their ticket stubs.
2 Just around the corner is the Rugby World Cup, with no fewer than four big games in Dunedin. It's a fair assumption that both casual and devoted rugby fans are much more excited about that.
3 It's Fiji. And, rightly or wrongly, the Fijians are regarded as cannon fodder on the rugby field. They are asking people to pay $60 to $120 to watch a rugby game they know will be brutally one-sided. The old theory that people go to watch the All Blacks simply doesn't stack up.
I actually have some sympathy for both the Otago union, which is trying hard to promote a game it probably didn't want, and the New Zealand union, which wants to give half a million dollars to Christchurch.
But it would be unfortunate if (a) the real last test at Carisbrook was a half-full dud, and (b) that was seen as seen as some sort of sign Otago people don't support the All Blacks.

• Otago ...
One of the more disturbing trends in sport has been the attempt by organisations to distance themselves from their provincial support base.
That was the biggest problem I had with the stupid Highlanders green jersey. It wasn't the colour; it was the misguided notion the franchise somehow had to separate the team from its provincial background in order to establish a new identity.
What's at the heart of sport, besides the glory of competition and the dual quests of improvement and achievement?
It's identity. Representing something - and somewhere - bigger than yourself.
The Highlanders ditched the "Otago" name a long time ago, and fair enough, given the team has a broader reach. But they must not forget they only exist because they represent the people of the South.
   
• ... and proud of it
More worrying, two genuine Otago teams - both of whom should probably focus more on winning games - appear to be trying to ditch the name of the province that gave birth to them.
The Otago Nuggets have been in our ear for two years, trying to force us to call them the OceanaGold Nuggets.
And now the Otago rugby team slathers all of its promotions with the "Razorback" tag.
Add in the fact we lost the Otago Rebels, our only high-profile netball team, and many of our representative teams and athletes compete under a "Southern" banner, and it appears "Otago" is in danger of becoming extinct in sporting circles.
That would be sad, given Otago sport's decades of glorious history. And it would make it difficult for Otago-based teams to appeal to Otago people on an emotional level.

• Making the cut
That was another typically dominant performance by the New Zealand under-20 team (why has the Colts label been dropped?) at the world junior championships.
An interesting exercise for rugby fans is going back to old age-group teams and seeing which young men kicked on and which disappeared.
I picked two teams, the 2002 New Zealand Schools side and the 2005 New Zealand Colts, and looked at the rosters.
The Schools side featured five future All Black backs (Joe Rokocoko, Luke McAlister, Stephen Donald, Benson Stanley and Ben Atiga) and three future All Black forwards (Jamie Mackintosh, Liam Messam and John Afoa).
There were also some solid provincial players: Scott Cowan, Jimmy Gopperth, Tim Boys and George Naoupu.
But what happened to Chris Aho? And Tai Talaia?
The 2005 Colts had Kieran Read and Ben Franks and Hosea Gear and Andy Ellis and Isaac Ross, but they also had Marcel Cummings-Toone and Miah Nikora and Karl Haitana.
The kid I always think of in recent years is Zarhn Commerer, the New Plymouth Boys' High School flanker with the spectacular name.
He was named most valuable player in the 2005 transtasman schools test, in a New Zealand team that had Sam Whitelock and Sean Maitland and Winston Stanley.
Googling Commerer reveals, sadly, he was in court in March for cultivation and possession of cannabis for supply.

• Mum knows best
There is a nice little follow-up story to the Otago tennis women winning the Nunneley Casket for the first and only time (150 Greatest Moments, Tuesday).
I was speaking to Jeff Wilson, whose mother, Lynne, was part of that team in 1970.
The golden one described his mother as an exceptional tennis player well into her 40s, and recalled their own battles on court.
Jeff, one of the most competitive men you will ever meet, lost every clash until finally beating Lynne for the first time when she was 48.
He promptly informed his mother he was retiring on top and refused to play her again.

• A ton of ticker
Double heart-transplant recipient Erik Compton cannot wait to compete full-time on the PGA Tour.
Compton almost guaranteed full tour rights by winning the Mexican Open last week, Reuters reports.
The 31-year-old American was diagnosed with an enlarged heart as a child and had his first transplant at the age of 12 and his second in 2008.
"I proved I'm more than just a guy with two heart transplants," Compton said.
"To think of what I went through and to have all the support and love of everyone around me, it's almost unreal.
"To be able to say I'll be playing on the PGA Tour only four years after my heart transplant is unbelievable."
- Otago Daily Times

My World Cup XV - Left wing

In which the blogger picks the team he wants to represent the All Blacks when they choke compete in the Rugby World Cup in September-October.

11 - Zac Guildford

A confession: I found the second wing one of the hardest positions to fill in my World Cup XV.

Hosea Gear was an automatic choice for one. I just think the guy has all the tools - and he will look bloody good in a Highlanders GREEN jersey next year.

But the other wing? Shee-it.

For a while I had Sitiveni Sivivatu pencilled in. Experienced, elusive etc. But Siti has hardly been on fire for the Chiefs. In fact, when did he last play a really good test for the All Blacks?

I was a big Cory Jane fan last year. But he doesn't have the form, either. Maybe another unhappy Hurricane?

Joe Rokocoko? Maybe. But just seems to be lacking something at this stage of his career. Drive, maybe.

My choice came down to two young Crusaders flyers.

Sean Maitland is a guy I've liked for a couple of years. He's electric when he's on form. But his time will come next year.

I'm going with Guildford. He's bounced back into some top form with the wandering Crusaders. You could argue he's a bit one-dimensional but you could also argue he's fucking quick. And wingers should be quick.

The Confectionery XV

This column, believe it or not, was actually published in the Otago Daily Times. Probably 96% of it is terrible, but there are at least one or two funny lines. Right? Right???

An edited transcript of the press conference that followed the naming of
the All Black Lolly and Chocolate Bar XV at head office in Wellington
this week. -

Chairman: Gentlemen and ladies of the press, welcome. It is my pleasure
to pass you over to the coach of this exciting team that will, I am
sure, represent us with pride at the World Cup in England later this year.

Coach: Ah yeah, thanks for that. I just want to say that it's been a
journey to get this point and as a selection panel we have faith that we
can follow that journey to its end. The journey will, in fact, be a
by-product of the beginning of the journey. Any questions?

Reporter: You've gone for the kid Pineapple Lump out of Southland at
loosehead prop. Are you confident he's up to the task?

Coach. Yeah, he's a good lad, a big lad with a chunky frame. We think he
and Jaffa (Auckland) will combine very well up front, with Jersey
Caramel (Waikato) at hooker of course.

Reporter: And the locks. Do you feel you've got enough ball-winning
ability there?

Coach: Without a doubt. The veteran Crunchie has been in great form for
Northland. He's got a heart of gold, that man. And we've gone for a big
body to partner him in the second row, with the raw-boned Taranaki boy,
Moro, earning his first cap. He gives us a bit more go.

Reporter: Now talk us through the loose forwards. You've stuck with K
Bar as your captain?

Coach: Yeah, he's been in outstanding form for North Otago. He started
the season looking a bit stiff but he's warmed up nicely and he's shown
great agility and flexibility. He'll lead from the front and he'll get
some great support from the very rugged, very dependable Liquorice
Allsort (Canterbury) on the blindside flank and the young Otago flyer
Jet Plane on the openside.

Reporter: It must have been a tough job choosing your inside backs
combination.

Coach: Oh, it was very tough. There were some very strong contenders,
with the likes of Fruit Burst, from Wairarapa-Bush, and Tic Tac, from
Poverty Bay. But we've gone with Scorched Almond, from Bay of Plenty, at
halfback because we know he can do the job and he's a tough nut. And
outside him, we've called up Mintie. He's kicked 100-odd points for
Manawatu this season and he's had his moments. Our midfield, of course,
won't change. Strawberries (Wellington) and Cream (East Coast) are quite
settled there now and we think they make an excellent combination.

Reporter: You must be excited about the make-up of the back three?

Coach: Oh, very excited. We wanted someone with pace and guile on one
wing, so Spearmint Leaf, from West Coast, has kept his place. His style
will complement the other winger, Wine Gum, the Marlborough bolter. And
in Flake, from North Harbour, at fullback, we've got a last line of
defence that hopefully won't crumble.

Chairman: No more questions? Thank you.

Birthday girl - Merata Mita

An occasional series in which the blogger celebrates the birthday of a great - or, at least, interesting - person.

Merata Mita
Film-maker
June 19, 1942 - May 31, 2010

I have this theory that all New Zealanders MUST view all of the following:

1. Outrageous Fortune, Series 1-6: Because it proved we can make telly as good as anywhere in the world.

2. Goodbye Pork Pie: The funniest, most free-spirited movie we've ever made.

3. Bad Taste/Meet The Feebles/Braindead: Peter Jackson was a great film-maker long before Lord of the Rings.

4. Once Were Warriors: Powerful with three capital Ps. Will break your heart, lift your spirits AND kick you in the guts.

5. Patu!

No 5 probably doesn't have anywhere near the profile of the first four, and that's very unfortunate. It is, quite simply, the best - and most powerful - documentary ever made in this country.

It's the shocking story of one of the most shameful moments in New Zealand history, sporting or otherwise - the 1981 Springbok tour.

I first saw Patu! when I was a tertiary student, and I was stunned. The images of barbed wire, shields, police batons and common New Zealanders being beaten up for protesting the visit of a team from a racist regime were seared into me.

Using just the images - my memory deserts me a little but there is either no narration or virtually none - director Merata Mita presents a gut-wrenching view of the tour.

The story of how she made it is fascinating enough. Many of her camera operators were themselves the victims of violence, and had film ripped out. She struggled to find funding support. Much of the footage had to be sent overseas for safekeeping.

Later in her career, Mita helmed the film Mauri. But it is for Patu!, and her bravery in telling the story, that she will be best remembered.

My World Cup XV - Second five

In which the blogger picks the team he wants to represent the All Blacks when they choke compete in the Rugby World Cup in September-October.

12 - Sonny Bill Williams

I'm what you call a casual rugby league fan.

I count the Penrith Panthers (for 20 years now) and Queensland as my teams, and I like to see the Kiwis beat those evil Kangaroos as much as anyone.

But I don't watch much NRL every week and I don't have a great depth of knowledge about the game other than the basics: you get six tackles, you don't push in scrums, Darren Lockyer is a god, Wayne Bennett is a super coach, the Storm rorted the cap etc.

So when a young New Zealander called Sonny Bill Williams emerged with the Bulldogs a few years ago, it took me a while to realise he was something special.

My enlightenment came one Saturday night when I happened to catch a few minutes of the Doggies playing . . . I want to say Canberra, but it might have been somebody else.

Holy shit. This tall, ripped figure was totally dominant. He was putting in massive hits on defence, ranging with the ball in hand, and making offload after offload. Sonny was obviously very special indeed.

Fast forward and what an extraordinary few years it's been for the man christened Sonny William Williams.

He controversially walked out on the Bulldogs, switched to rugby for a French club, got into boxing, became best friends with Anthony Mundine and converted to Islam.

Then, most shockingly, he decided his dream was to become an All Black. He moved to New Zealand, played for Canterbury and was immediately called up by Graham Henry for the end-of-year tour.

I tried to keep an open mind about SBW when he came home but I wondered if his murky track record and his style would make him an ideal fit with the All Blacks and the Crusaders, both of whom try to maintain the highest standards.

Shows what the fuck I know. He's still fluffing around with boxing, in which he has no future. But he's just dynamite on the rugby field, the most exciting thing we've got.

Too many fancy offloads? Oh please. Offload on, Sonny boy, offload on.

He's clearly in a head-to-head contest with incumbent Ma'a Nonu for the World Cup No 12 jersey. Nonu still has plenty to offer, despite his crap form with the Hurricanes, but it's SBW for me.

Why people hate reporters

Lawyers and used car salesmen.

As the adage goes, they are the only people ranked alongside or below reporters at the bottom of the public's list of most-respected occupations.

And that's fine. I get it. All those who enter the media world - especially newspapers - accept they will earn far more enemies than friends, and that most of the feedback they get will be of the complaining variety.

We do this job because we love it and because we believe there is some worth to it and because, like everybody else, we have families to support.

Some of us believe we are gods, that our opinions matter more than anybody else's. But most of us - please let this be true - do not.

Because our skins need to be thick, we generally get to the stage where we learn to block out a large percentage of the public's disapproval. Not, you understand, because we do not rate the public's opinion; but because to take every barb on board would send us running from the profession.

For sports reporters, the major pitfall of the job is the ease with which one can become immune to the charm, the beauty and the drama of the game one is covering.

It only took me four years of covering professional rugby to lose my connection with the All Blacks, for example. I still watch, but I feel no investment. I neither rejoice when they win well, nor despair when they lose.

On subjects like the haka, the scheduling of extra tests in Hong Kong and the re-appointment of Graham Henry, I lean far closer to cynicism than support.

And because I have interviewed Richie McCaw and Dan Carter and Keven Mealamu and the like, and written about them and their colleagues frequently, they are simply rugby players, not heroes, to me.

This sort of distance from great sports figures is necessary for a sports reporter, but you could argue it is slightly sad.

So that's the situation. We sit at our keyboard, praise/criticise where we feel it is warranted, and have faith that (a) our opinion is valid and (b) we have a decent handle on what the public believes.

And then Mark Reason and Nathan Begley come along.

Reason, if you have not picked up, is Fairfax Media's sporting attack dog, unleashed on the Stuff website once a week with one aim: piss off as many people as possible.

The former Times and Telegraph reporter appears to have moved to New Zealand from England. He is the son of the late John Reason, the great rugby writer who famously hated the All Blacks with a passion. He was Stephen Jones Mark I.

Reason junior made his first big splash with a bizarre takedown of the New Zealand Breakers during the ANBL finals, when his obvious loathing for basketball was matched only by his startling ignorance of the game.

He's also developed a knack for slagging the Hurricanes - to be fair, that has been rather easy this season.

And that's fine. Bag the Hurricanes at will. But a line in his latest column was so nasty, so personal, that my normal instinct to defend a fellow reporter's right to say what he likes was sorely tested.

Reason spoke of the Canes being like a "bunch of stroppy teenagers". Ha ha. There was the "chubby one who likes a feed". OK, that's obviously Piri Weepu, who certainly packed on the beef during an injury layoff.

Then, quoth Reason, there was the "slick one who tweets a lot and gets his girl pregnant the whole time".

Cory Jane, the subject of that line, who is indeed a prolific tweeter and who does indeed have a partner and several children, was quick to respond, tweeting that he was "trying to be the bigger man here & say nothing but attacking me personally..."

He could have said a lot more. Reason's line about Jane was fucking horrible. If that's the "new journalism", then I'm pleased I'm a bit old school.

Pleasingly, most of the comments on the column were aghast at Reason's choice of words. But the Fairfax gods won't give a shit, of course, because at least people are reading.

Is it any wonder, when crap like that is published by a major company, that reporters are regarded so poorly?

And then you read a story like this about Nathan Begley, a Special Olympian who worships the All Blacks.

He had his All Black jersey stolen by some wanker, and the All Blacks themselves rode to the rescue with two replacements.

Is it any wonder, after reading that story and Mark Reason's nasty throwaway line about Cory Jane, that people think: All Blacks good, reporters bad?

McAlister . . . and other links

Have you seen a movie called Orgazmo?

It came from the twisted minds of South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone - or is it Matt Parker and Trey Stone? - and tells the story of a naive Mormon chap who inadvertently finds himself acting in a pornographic movie.

It's terribly lame but one of the memorable characters is Dave The Lighting Guy (played by, er, either Parker or Stone). His stock phrase is: "I don't wanna sound like a queer or nuthin' but...". He starts by adding things like "unicorns are kick-ass" and "I'm really gonna miss you guys when the show's over". The funniest moment in the movie is when he turns to a male character and says: "I don't wanna sound like a queer or nuthin' . . . but I kinda wanna make love to you tonight."

In the spirit of Dave, I have to admit: I don't wanna sound like a queer or nuthin', but my most vivid memory of Luke McAlister is his legs.

Seriously. McAlister was one of the first All Blacks I interviewed in the flesh (stop it) and I couldn't BELIEVE the size of his pins. He wasn't that tall or massive in the upper body, but he was held up by thighs the size of 40-gallon drums. It was a real insight into just how big professional rugby players are.

Anyway, McAlister has announced he's leaving New Zealand rugby for a second time, to play for French club Toulouse.

He's had an interesting career. McAlister was a boom youngster out of North Harbour, introduced to the All Blacks at a young age and seen as a natural complement for Dan Carter in an exciting 10-12 combination.

McAlister could run and kick and he was strong and he had pace. It seemed certain he would have a long and fruitful All Black career.

But he never quite kicked on. He was sinbinned in the All Blacks' quarterfinal loss to France in Cardiff in 2007, and when the team needed him to run the show late in that game, with Carter and Nick Evans hobbled, he could not.

McAlister took off overseas, aged just 24, and spent two years playing in England. Then he came home, was fast-tracked into the All Blacks and never really shone.

This year, McAlister has actually played quite well at times for the Blues, but it seems either he has again got itchy feet, or the All Black selectors do not want him.

He'll go down as just another All Black, unfortunately.

Other interesting bits and pieces today:

- The amazing photo from the ice hockey riots in Vancouver.

- A nice column about the carnage.

- The Boston Bruins' fascinating and heroic goaltender.

- A great Deadspin piece about Dirk Nowitzki.

- Swimming New Zealand hammered for being "dysfunctional".

- All Blacks advised to lay off Twitter during the World Cup.

- And this magnificent, hilarious video of Conan O'Brien speaking at a college graduation.

Rewind: Apologies, and DC

This is part of a column that appeared originally in the Otago Daily Times on April 10, 2010. On reflection, I agree with the NZRU's decision to apologise to Maori. And is Dan Carter a flat-track bully? Well, if he doesn't win a World Cup . . .

• Sorry, the hardest word

There has been some interesting discussion this week on the topic of whether the New Zealand Rugby Union should apologise to Maori players left behind on South African tours because of the home country's apartheid regime.

The theory is that the NZRU should say sorry for meekly falling into line with the racist Springboks between 1928 and 1960 in order to maintain healthy rugby relations.

It's a fair argument but I wonder if there is that much to be gained from the present union trying to make amends for the sins of previous unions.

Weighing one generation down with guilt over the behaviour of those from three or four generations back has always seemed a waste of time to me.

There are a quarter of a million children living in poverty in New Zealand, and our rate of child abuse is a national shame - those are reasons to be feeling guilty.

Still, if the NZRU is to get to the point where it feels the need to apologise to Maori, it should also consider saying sorry for.-

1 - Not forcing the Welsh to award the Bob Deans try retrospectively.

2 - Failing to appoint Vic Cavanagh coach for the 1949 tour.

3 - Colin Meads ending Ken Catchpole's career.

4 - The 1981 Springbok tour.

5 - Not winning the World Cup since 1987.

6 - Allowing adidas to tinker with the sacred uniform.

7 - Ruining the NPC.

8 - Appointing John Mitchell.

9 - The 2003 World Cup hosting debacle.

10 - All of the dramas over the haka in recent years.

• Carter: hit or miss?

I watched last week's Hurricanes-Crusaders game at my parents' house near Oamaru and made two predictions near the end, both of which came true.

The first was with five minutes to go, with the Hurricanes leading.

"The Crusaders will score."

And they did, adding a phantom try to their earlier illegal try.

Now, anyone who has watched the Crusaders over the past decade knows they are masters at winning close games, so that prediction was hardly wild. But it's what I said next that really made me look good.

"Carter's going to miss this kick."

My folks scoffed at my bold assertion but were silenced when Crusaders first five and designated saviour of New Zealand rugby Dan Carter pushed the conversion wide, leaving the game a draw.

Carter's a heck of a player but I wonder if we haven't got just a little bit carried away in our acclamation of him as the finest No 10 of all time.

To me, there's an element of the flat-track bully about him. He's at his most sublime in dominant All Black performances, and he hasn't delivered enough under pressure to warrant being ranked alongside the truly great players.

Can Cambo come back?

Who would have thought? Michael Campbell is a warmer favourite than Tiger Woods to win the US Open!

Go Cambo, you good thing. We'll just forget the small matter of Tiger pulling out of the tournament because of injury.

Yes, it's Open time again. And our dear Cambo, by virtue of his utterly shocking victory in 2005, is in the middle of a 10-year exemption that allows him to play in one of the world's four great tournaments despite being one of the world's four worst golfers.

I love Cambo. Love him. He's a glorious mix of success and failure, of sheer talent and inner demons.

It still doesn't seem real that he won a major, forever linking him with the immortal Sir Bob Charles in the pantheon of New Zealand golfers.

Since then . . . well, shit, I've played better golf. Cambo's had injuries and a form slump so deep he's made the Black Caps look consistent.

Still, he's been in better form of late. And his coach thinks he can win again.

As for who will ACTUALLY win this tournament, who knows? Golf is so supremely weird. It's an elite game, yet an absolute no-name like Charl Schwartzel can win one of the major tournaments.

This column sums up the wide open nature of the Open. And this piece by Rick Reilly - who has been in bloody good form lately - is a hell of a yarn.

State of ohhhhhh

So there I was, all set to write something about State of Origin losing its magic.

My argument was going to be threefold. That:

1) The cleaning up of the game - i.e. the lack of biff - had taken a lot of the sting out of the series;

2) The excessive hype and commercialisation surrounding the event had dulled its impact;

3) Queensland's domination in recent years had also contributed.

And then along came last night's second game of the 2011 series, with New South Wales beating Queensland in Sydney.

It's just the shot in the arm the series needed. The stage is now set for a heck of a game three in a couple of weeks. And with Queensland showing signs of complacency - not to mention old age - some serious momentum could be returning to the Blues camp.

I'm a Queensland fan. Don't know why. Just gravitated towards the maroons when I started following league in 1990-91.

So I was just in time for a run of six seasons (1992-97) in which New South Wales won five series out of six. With the likes of Brad Fittler and Laurie Daley and Rod Wishart and Paul Harragon, the Blues were just too good.

That's why I have enjoyed being on the other side of the fence over the last six years, with one of the great Queensland teams dominating Origin.

Billy Slater, Darren Lockyer, Johnathan Thurston, Greg Inglis and co have simply had too much class for a New South Wales team that seems to be constantly rebuilding. Or, you know, has been dealing with scandal.

But somewhere along the line, State of O has definitely lost some of its magic. For me, at least. It still seems to attract big crowds and huge public interest.

Maybe it's just because I got older and developed other interests and priorities. Maybe I started to lose touch with some of the personalities. I'm not sure.

Anyway, I'll certainly be watching game three. Hoping for a Queensland win. Hoping it will be dramatic. And hoping for just a little bit of this:

Haka ha ha ha

Holy shit! Twenty posts into my blog and I have only mentioned the haka once.

Time to remedy that. And thankfully, we have this video of American basketball superstar Dwight Howard doing the dance of war with the New Zealand Colts rugby team as a starting point.

Weird, eh, that a massive black dude who earns US$16 million a year - check out the magnificent transparency of American sports - should be hanging with a bunch of pimply-faced New Zealand rugby players.

Such is the power of adidas, the German sports giant that is one of the major controllers sponsors of New Zealand rugby.

(An aside: a rugby-loathing colleague loves to point out the irony of the fact the All Blacks ditched long-serving and local jersey manufacturer Canterbury for adidas, only for the Wallabies, in 1999, and the Springboks, in 2007, to win World Cups wearing Canterbury.)

So there's big Dwight, doing a half-passable job of Ka Mate alongside the cream of our rising rugby crop.

As haka-gates go, it can't possibly compare with the Spice Girls giving it a go in Bali in 1997, or Premier League football scum club Everton doing a "he-ha haka" and coming up with a black - and pink! - jersey.

And it's not near as bad as an Italian car company doing an ad with WOMEN performing the haka.

The haka has created so many headlines in recent years. We've had the All Blacks getting the pip in Cardiff and performing the haka inside their changing room; the French getting in the All Blacks' faces before the 2007 World Cup quarterfinal (obviously a good tactic); gingerbread men doing the haka; New Zealand chef de mission Dave Currie overdoing the haka.

Just this year, the NZRU has signed a deal - for a few dollars, one presumes - with the Ngati Toa tribe over the use of the haka, and it has been revealed visitors for the Rugby World Cup will be encouraged to learn the haka.

Most famously, of course, the All Blacks felt the need to invent their own haka, and unveiled Kapa o Pango at Carisbrook before a test against the Springboks in 2005. The new haka ended with a bizarre throat-slashing gesture, which was explained away as some sort of mystical drawing-life-into-our-lungs movement, but which was later altered to a less-offensive action.

Am I the only one who is haka-ed out?

Look, I was there in 2005, and there was genuine excitement when the new haka was unveiled. I've been as moved by the haka before significant tests as anyone else.

But the All Blacks have been far too precious about it over the years. They've also made the big mistake of claiming the haka is theirs, when in fact it belongs to all of us.

I also hate seeing the haka being done by so many different sports teams. To my mind, the haka should only be performed by the All Blacks, and by First XVs before traditional interschools.

A couple of excerpts from my previous columns.-

•White men can't haka
The Black Caps will be on high haka alert following the appointment of veteran Olympic official and noted war dance fan Dave Currie to the position of manager.
Given Currie's predilection for breaking out Ka Mate at the mere hint of New Zealand success, we can expect plenty of thigh-slapping fun should Brendon McCullum smash a century or Iain O'Brien take five wickets.  
----
• The haka was embarrassing . . .
Bejaysus. Now the Irish are doing the haka.
Well, not exactly the Irish. There was a Samoan, a Tongan, a Maori and a weedy white guy with a moustache belting out the war dance at Limerick's lovely Thomond Park on Wednesday morning.
Oh, and they were members of the home team. That's Munster. An Irish rugby team. Doing the haka, not a jig.
I don't know where to start. Just when you think there couldn't possibly be an embarrassing haka to match the one performed by the petulant All Blacks inside their dressing room in Cardiff three years ago, along come Rua Tipoki and company.
It was awful, bile-inducingly awful, to see members of a second-string Irish rugby team performing the haka in front of the second-string All Blacks.
The haka is already overdone and there is no place for it to be performed by players on the books of an overseas club.
It also sets a precedent. Teams around the world are stacked with expatriate New Zealanders. Feel free to haka away, gentlemen.
----
• The haka drama continues
My feelings on the haka are (1) it is overdone, (2) the All Blacks get far too precious about it, and (3) it is overdone, especially by skinny white guys, bronze medallists and Ali Williams.
The horror continues.
First we have a haka hooha in the oxymoronically-named Rugby League World Cup, with the English snubbing the Kiwis' haka by turning their backs and discussing the latest happenings on Coronation Street in a huddle.
Outrage, mutterings of disrespect . . . the reaction was predictable.
Then some Irish plonker with a column goes off at the All Blacks, says that everybody hates them and labels the haka a "leery war dance". Brave stuff when your country has never tasted victory against the All Blacks.
But all this is nothing next to some potentially disturbing news coming out of an area close to my heart.
The Last Word understands the North Otago rugby team has been regularly performing a haka on its tour of Japan.
If it's a one-off and simply for the purpose of attracting attention and promoting New Zealand in a country known to love all things Kiwi, then I will suppress my gagging reflex for a moment.
But if North Otago has developed some sort of haka it intends to perform in the future, I will despair. Pray that it isn't true. It would be the worst thing to happen to a fine rugby province since some idiot coined the nickname Turbines.

My World Cup XV - Centre

In which the blogger picks the team he wants to represent the All Blacks when they choke compete in the Rugby World Cup in September-October.

13 - Conrad Smith

One of the easier decisions, right?

I guess so. Smith has certainly been an automatic selection in recent years when he's been fit - which has, happily, been a more common state than in his early years.

But he's an interesting case. He doesn't demand selection because of his dynamism, or his game-breaking abilities, or the fact he is called Richie, Dan or Big Bad Brad.

Smith's great asset is his ultra-consistency. He shows up, always, and does the things a good centre is supposed to do.

I mean, he's a classy player, don't get me wrong. He's defensively sound, a nice runner, a fine distributor, a leader and a mistake-free footballer. And he's intelligent because, you know, he's a qualified LAWYER, which approximately 872 profiles of him have mentioned.

But you would never say Smith was on the same level as a Brian O'Driscoll or a Stirling Mortlock. You don't look back over a year and pinpoint the games in which Smith made you jump off your seat and yell "faaaarrrrkkkkk".

He is what he is: an experienced, quality midfielder who won't let you down.

Plus, he doesn't really have contenders breathing down his neck. I'm a great admirer of the Highlanders' Kenny Lynn, but you wouldn't call him All Black material. Jared Payne (Blues) has talent but is buggering off, and team-mate Isaia Toeava isn't a centre in my book.

The Chiefs . . . er, who plays centre for the Chiefs? Checking Google.....checking......ah, of course, Richard Kahui. Big, strong, talented, good-looking and always injured. I first met Kahui five years ago when he was drafted into the Highlanders. Lovely kid and a real talent. But will his body ever allow him to string a series of games together?

No 13 goes to Mr Smith. No contest. Just look at this face!

Mavericks put a ring on it

The 2011 NBA finals are in the books, with the Dallas Mavericks completing a 4-2 series win over the Miami Heat.

Whichever way the series went, there was going to be an extraordinary story. It was either going to be a first ring for ze great German Dick Nowitzki, the veteran point guard Jason Kidd and the controversial owner Mark Cuban with the Mavericks; or the evil star-packed Heat was going to make everybody eat their words.

Some background.

The Dallas Mavericks had never won an NBA title. But a couple of shrewd deals on the night of the 1998 draft, when they landed rookie Nowitzki and point guard Steve Nash for chump change - no, literally; they gave up the late Robert "Tractor" Traylor and Pat Garrity - set the franchise up for years of success.

The Mavericks became a perennial playoff team but could never get it done. In 2006, they reached the finals - also against the Heat - and led 2-0. But the Heat, led by a young Dwyane Wade and Shaquille O'Neal, then won four straight, helped by some dubious officiating.

Cuban, the Mavs owner known for his obscene wealth and propensity to get into trouble with the league's head office, kept rolling the dice, flicking Nash to the Suns and building a cast of veteran players around Nowitzki.

Meanwhile, the Heat had become a bit of a non-entity after the 2006 championship. But that all changed last year when, in possibly the most extraordinary collusion between elite athletes in the history of sport, superstar LeBron James and classy big man Chris Bosh decided to join close friend Wade.

James unwisely chose to announce his decision in an hour-long ESPN special called . . . The Decision, an appalling piece of self-promotion that made him the most pilloried figure in American sport, and turned "taking my talents to South Beach" into a catchphrase.

So in the battle between the hard-working Mavericks and the super-team Heat, it is fair to say 99% of the basketball world was rooting (American usage) for the Dallas men.

I didn't like way James left his former Cleveland Cavaliers team, but the level of opprobrium directed at him was crazy over the top. When it boils down to it, he's a basketball player hoping to win championships by joining two other great players.

Still, I was supporting the Mavericks and I'm very pleased they won. I respect Nowitzki, but I have been a long fan of Kidd, the 38-year-old floor general who will go down as one of the greatest point guards of all time.

For LeBron, the next few weeks and months are going to be very difficult as people line up to take shots at him.

But he and Wade and Bosh are too good and too young. They will be back, and they will get their rings.

Some links to post-finals reaction.-

Cuban finally gets to gloat

Cleveland people rejoice in LeBron's failure

The great Joe Posnanski offers his thoughts

"It was over before it was over"

The king of callers

Sad news this week that the great Australian rugby league commentator, Ray Warren, is battling prostate cancer.

"Rabs", the voice of the greatest game of all, has just turned 68. He plans to carry on commentating as long as possible and, going by the quotes in this story, he's facing the big C head on.

The great man urges other blokes to be aware of the disease, which is still "one of the least talked about cancers".

Warren, along with running mates "Fatty" (Paul Vautin) and "Sterlo" (Peter Sterling), has been the voice of league for as long as most of us can remember.

And what a voice. The inflections, the phrases, the excitement - they're as familiar to us as Richie Benaud's cricket drawl, or the late Bill McLaren's silky rugby descriptions.

I'd put Ray Warren in the pantheon of great sports commentators, along with Benaud, McLaren, Martin Tyler (my favourite football commentator) and Al Michaels (American football).

On the home front, I've always rated Grant Fox's analysis of rugby, Grant Nisbett is a solid performer, Martin Crowe has his moments and Andrew Dewhurst does a good job with football.

On the flip side, of course, some people should not be let loose near a microphone. Yes, I'm talking about you, Willie Los'e and Ian Jones and Lieutenant Dan and Fred de Jong.

I was also never a massive fan of Formula 1 legend Murray Walker, though apparently others were a little more enamoured.

These lists from Yahoo Sports - the 50 best and worst sports commentators - are limited to American voices but make interesting reading.

Oh, and don't forget Andy Gray, the poster boy for disgraced sports commentators in recent years.

My Team - Valley

This article - written by me - appeared in the April 22-28, 2010 issue of Rugby News magazine.

VALLEY OF THE KINGS

Family and spirit – they are the two most common words used in descriptions of the Valley club.
In small New Zealand provinces, rugby clubs provide many similar benefits of a strong, secure family life, and Valley is a shining example.
The tight-knit club attracts players, coaches and administrators back, year after year after year, because of their love of the place and the social benefits it offers.
“Basically it’s a social thing. People of a like mind get to come together and enjoy themselves and play a bit of rugby,” Valley stalwart Colin Mavor said.
“It’s been like that from day one, for young and old. It’s just a good social centre of the community, and the family ties within the club are very strong.
“We’ve always fought above our weight and I think that shows what the club is made of.”

Valley is based in Weston, a satellite town just 5km inland from Oamaru.
The odd player comes out from town but the majority are rural-based.
“We’ve got farmers, farm workers, stock agents, seed merchants and one shearer this year,” Mavor explains.
Valley was formed in 1988 when three rural clubs within a 10km radius – Weston Pirates, Enfield and Union (based in Ngapara) – realised they could not continue for much longer.
“The clubs just weren’t footing it on their own. There weren’t so many young guys around and every club was struggling,” Valley historian Allan Paterson recalls.
“There was a lot of emotion at that time. I remember we went to a meeting at Union one night and explained what was going on and some of them were horrified. After a while, people started to realise a merger was the best way forward. It was a unanimous decision in the end.”
Union retained its schoolboy section but the rest of the Valley club, decked out in its new blue and gold colours, made its debut in 1989.
Valley has since won four Citizens Shields, in 1998, 1999, 2005 and 2009. In 2005, it also won the combined North Otago-South Canterbury competition, which has sadly fallen by the wayside.
Home base is the distinctive oval at the Weston Sports Ground. The bowl-style ground, created from farmland by the Weston Progress League decades ago, allows people to park their cars and utes overlooking the action, creating unique views and atmosphere.
Valley and its founding clubs have not produced any All Blacks but Valley has had five New Zealand Heartland representatives: hooker Tobias Sekona and backs Ryan McCarthy, Scott Mayhew, Hamish McKenzie and Faaitu Tuamoheloa. Dean Paterson also played for a New Zealand Legends team in 1999.
The club has had its share of stalwarts and three of the greatest have been hooker Barry Fox, utility back Nathan Cunningham and midfield back Mike Mavor. All three have had long careers with both the club and North Otago.
Off the field, people like Colin Mavor, Allan Paterson, Peter Twiss, Ian Mavor, long-serving secretary June Campbell and popular barman Malcolm Allison keep things ticking over.
Valley is fielding a premier team in the Citizens Shield this season, hopes to have a senior team and will have seven or eight schoolboy teams.
The club also has netball and cricket teams, with its top cricket team reaching the final of the North Otago club competition this summer.

GREATEST MOMENT

Played 18, won 18, 909 points for, 140 points against, two trophies won.
That added up to some sort of season for Valley in 2005, when it romped to victory in both the Citizens Shield and combined North Otago-South Canterbury competitions.
Valley beat Maheno 35-25 after extra time in the Citizens Shield final, and thumped fellow North Otago club Old Boys 35-15 in the Aoraki Cup final.
An unbeaten season is an extraordinary effort by any club at any level, but victory in the combined competition was particularly sweet for Valley. North Otago clubs dominated the competition to such an extent the South Cantabrians eventually pulled out.
Veteran back Nathan Cunningham led Valley with 266 points and classy winger Scott Mayhew scored 30 tries, but everyone contributed in a team coached by Barry Matthews, now a Highlanders assistant, and Peter Rowland.
The club’s Senior B side also won the second-tier of both the North Otago (Burns Shield) and combined competitions that year.

CLUB LEGEND

COLIN MAVOR
You can’t go far at Valley without bumping into a Mavor, and Colin is the patriarch of a family that has given so much to the rugby club.
‘Snow’ Mavor, a farmer at Airedale just over the hill from the rugby ground, was the founding president of the merged club, serving in that role for five years. He was the club’s first life member and is back serving as chairman this season.

Mavor played for Enfield and Union, two of the clubs that formed Valley, along with his triplet brothers, Ian and the late Bruce. Colin and Denise Mavor have four sons – Stefan, Jason, Paul and Matthew – all of whom have played for Valley, with Jason and Stefan still pulling on the boots.
Other Mavors, nephews of Colin, to have won the Valley jersey with distinction include Mike, Nathan, Geoff and the late James. Another nephew, former Wairarapa-Bush and Heartland XV inside back Hamish McKenzie, is in the present squad.