Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Confectionery XV

This column, believe it or not, was actually published in the Otago Daily Times. Probably 96% of it is terrible, but there are at least one or two funny lines. Right? Right???

An edited transcript of the press conference that followed the naming of
the All Black Lolly and Chocolate Bar XV at head office in Wellington
this week. -

Chairman: Gentlemen and ladies of the press, welcome. It is my pleasure
to pass you over to the coach of this exciting team that will, I am
sure, represent us with pride at the World Cup in England later this year.

Coach: Ah yeah, thanks for that. I just want to say that it's been a
journey to get this point and as a selection panel we have faith that we
can follow that journey to its end. The journey will, in fact, be a
by-product of the beginning of the journey. Any questions?

Reporter: You've gone for the kid Pineapple Lump out of Southland at
loosehead prop. Are you confident he's up to the task?

Coach. Yeah, he's a good lad, a big lad with a chunky frame. We think he
and Jaffa (Auckland) will combine very well up front, with Jersey
Caramel (Waikato) at hooker of course.

Reporter: And the locks. Do you feel you've got enough ball-winning
ability there?

Coach: Without a doubt. The veteran Crunchie has been in great form for
Northland. He's got a heart of gold, that man. And we've gone for a big
body to partner him in the second row, with the raw-boned Taranaki boy,
Moro, earning his first cap. He gives us a bit more go.


Reporter: Now talk us through the loose forwards. You've stuck with K
Bar as your captain?

Coach: Yeah, he's been in outstanding form for North Otago. He started
the season looking a bit stiff but he's warmed up nicely and he's shown
great agility and flexibility. He'll lead from the front and he'll get
some great support from the very rugged, very dependable Liquorice
Allsort (Canterbury) on the blindside flank and the young Otago flyer
Jet Plane on the openside.

Reporter: It must have been a tough job choosing your inside backs
combination.

Coach: Oh, it was very tough. There were some very strong contenders,
with the likes of Fruit Burst, from Wairarapa-Bush, and Tic Tac, from
Poverty Bay. But we've gone with Scorched Almond, from Bay of Plenty, at
halfback because we know he can do the job and he's a tough nut. And
outside him, we've called up Mintie. He's kicked 100-odd points for
Manawatu this season and he's had his moments. Our midfield, of course,
won't change. Strawberries (Wellington) and Cream (East Coast) are quite
settled there now and we think they make an excellent combination.


Reporter: You must be excited about the make-up of the back three?

Coach: Oh, very excited. We wanted someone with pace and guile on one
wing, so Spearmint Leaf, from West Coast, has kept his place. His style
will complement the other winger, Wine Gum, the Marlborough bolter. And
in Flake, from North Harbour, at fullback, we've got a last line of
defence that hopefully won't crumble.

Chairman: No more questions? Thank you.

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